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Thursday, February 2, 2017

Joy Comes in the Mourning

This week has been the butt-kicker for sure. We have had our normal busy week, but Tuesday night I got rocked by such a crazy headache. I finally feel as though the fog is lifting.
Today I wanted to continue to share how Margaret Feinberg's Joy Study has been stretching and teaching me a little more about my perspective of my own situation.
I've been trying to hold everything together, so that my own children wouldn't be affected that I didn't realize how much of my own life I completely let go. When I made the choice to leave my husband, I also chose to leave the life I knew in Gastonia, NC. I left the friends & acquaintances that were a huge part of our every-day life for the past 7 years, and it was hard. I was so focused moving on that I didn't realize until last week that I was holding onto bitterness and anxiety. I had never properly grieved those relationships, and it was affecting my current friendships. I felt so hurt personally and deeply by my closest friends that I swore off all friendships ever again.
Margaret challenged us to write letters to those relationships that needed grieving, so I though I would start that process. My goal is that God be glorified through this, and that my broken heart continues to heal.

To Those Who Were My Friends:

For so long I wondered what I would say if I ever saw or heard from you again. It almost consumed me, but what I want you to know is that I pray for you & that I am so happy for you. The past year and a half I'm sure have been crazy for you all, because it's sure been crazy for me. You all were such a huge part of my life, and when the proverbial crap hit the fan, I didn't know what to do. Did I handle everything perfectly? Absolutely not, and for those short-comings I am sorry. I hope you understand that because of my situation that I was extremely hurt and vulnerable. I had no clue who to trust because of everything that led up to the end of July's revelations. I truly did everything I knew to try to keep you out of the middle, yet I know you were hurt by that decision. Shutting you out was the only thing I knew to do. I never wanted you to choose sides, even though deep down, I knew that was inevitable. I thought it would be easier in the long-run to walk away rather than waiting for you to pick the easy side. I was alone, for the most part, and my marriage was crumbling. I couldn't have handled waiting around for you to make your decision. That's why I chose to leave. Losing my friendships with you and your families still hurts, and the hurt that came after I'm not sure will ever leave. I am a different person because of our friendships, good and bad. I struggle to open up to people now. I fear I won't trust girlfriends again, and I miss those times of naivety. So often I've wished that I could just go back in time and avoid friendships with you all, but I would be missing really good times too. Laughs in the car to stores & sales. Watching our girls and boys giggle. Feeling as though I had family in a place I didn't grow up in. Lunches and dinners after church. Those are positives from our friendships. While I still struggle daily with the more negative aspects of our friendships, I try to focus on the fun and good parts. I'm starting to develop those friendships with amazing women again, and I give God all the glory. I also want to praise Him for restoring parts of friendships that I thought were long-gone. My fear is still that I can't completely move on, and I know that this is one of the first steps. We all failed in this whole friendship thing. No one did everything right. I was hurt big time, and I know you were. I hope that you will forgive my short-comings as well as I continue to move forward in forgiveness with you all. Life is meant to be celebrated, even if it's difficult to celebrate. I'm praying for each of you, and I'm so happy to know that God is being good and gracious to each of us. I hope one day that if our paths do cross that we can have a conversation as mature women in Christ.
Until the next time,

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